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what is the happy happ fellow Onitopians.
This is a post about the novel i am writing.
Essentially it is a three part novel which centres around a boy called David Hedgewood, whose life is thrown into chaos by an infamous orginisation called Section 9. IT is set from his point of view and has general insights from him about stuff loosely related to his situation thrown in for good measure.
The first act is Cause.
the second is Consolidation.
The third is Effect.
I'll post more later...:(
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very rough draft, but tell me any flaws about it.
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I can be your editor if you'd like.
Errors:
the semicolon on line 4 should instead be a comma;
"try to run the country and worst of all" needs a comma after "country", or else it sounds like the _presidents_ are the ones who "make us go on these...excursions", rather than the school;
"so called" should be hyphenated ("so-called");
"Male Bonding" should have double-quotes, not single-, around it the first time, as it does the second;
in the paragraph beginning "Because you see", add a comma after "because";
you need a comma after "as he called it" and then a period after "Second Home";
the semicolon after "lying" should be a comma, again;
the sentence that begins "Though now as..." is a bit of a mess (it should probably be split up like so: Though now, as I sit here typing these words...I suppose I led a lonely existence: Dad away practically all the time, only me and my nanny, Mrs. Mouskouri, at our large L.A. home. I was also often singled out and alienated in school - though, in hindsight, the nicknames could have been worse, the punches harder, the hatred bitter instead of only indifferent hostility.);
in the next paragraph, is the capitalized "His" a sign of worship? ^_^;
the same goes for the capitalized "Very";
the next paragraph's "got", third word, should be "gotten";
a few paragraphs afterward, "ones" needs a comma - "one's";
the next paragraph is a run-on sentence, a problem which can be solved by changing "...walking towards him, the pilot..." to "...walking towards him. The pilot...";
two paragraphs ahead, that semicolon should be a colon (not a comma this time );
I think that you're looking for a period, not a comma, at the end of that same paragraph;
the next bit of quoted dialogue doesn't need a comma after "you";
the father's first words say "its" where they should say "it's";
the guard's later speech with the father should probably be in "gravelly" or "grave" tones, not "gravely";
"afore mentioned" should be compressed into a single word;
the paragraph beginning with the father's flustered "God, they didn't..." needs to be split into two separate sentences so as to avoid being a run-on, so change the comma after "sweat" to a period and the comma after "inwardly" to a semicolon;
the next paragraph's semicolon should be a colon, and the quote should end in a comma rather than a period, thus making "Glumly" into the lowercase "glumly"...
...Gah. Gotta go, parents being weird. Anyway, lemme quickly mention what I was gonna say about the writing style rather than the grammatical issues. You seem to switch from formal diction to relatively vernacular speech. Either one's fine, but oscillating frequently between the two can be awkward. The most obvious examples of this are in the first page: contrast the fourth (memoirs, acquaintances) or sixth paragraph (mayhaps, machinations) with the eighth's "feeling really annoyed", for example...
Anywho, I'm off. More on this tomorrow.
Work in progress...
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Thanks for picking up the grammatical errors, you found some stuff that my teacher's didn't. So thanks. As for the writing style, that's intentional; I want to kind of give the feeling he's dictating it, but keeps getting distracted by something (the ending reveals what, tee hee).
What do you actually think of the story so far? Be brutal if you must.
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I see what you mean about the writing style. In that case, that's fine, and looking at it from that light it actually makes it kinda interesting. However, perhaps you could somehow incorporate, into the intro in which he discusses the fact that he is actually writing this after-the-fact rather than narrating his thoughts as the events happen, the idea that he's being distracted by something in order to allow the reader to understand that better. I'm assuming he's safe inside some room or something and being distracted by the sounds of the door breaking as the mutants try to get in and kill him, so you can have him glance up as they pound on the wall again, or something.
...Gah, parents AGAIN. Lemme comment on the story tomorrow.
Work in progress...
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Backness. Yeah, the story's a'right. I mean, the idea of a super-soldier project gone horribly wrong isn't exactly unique, but you pulled it off pretty well. By the way, have you played Half-Life? I see similarities. ^_^
Work in progress...
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yes, i have.
it is an alright game, and i needed a place where i could launch the "novel".
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i've finished it, will post some more stuff in the near future.
Don't think i will try and publish it, too many cracks and mirrors...i've started writing another.
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